Growing up I remember playing loads of games. Don’t touch the ground, vet tech, school, the list goes on and on.
One of my favorites was the superpower game. The one where you’d talk about which superpower you’d want and why. I always wanted to fly. Always. Which is ironic, seeing as I am scared of heights. Which is doubly ironic (is that a thing?) because I am 6′.
Back to my point, the superpower game. I saw a vinyl sticker on a car the other day, it was a stick figure woman with a cape flapping in the breeze behind her. Then it struck me, a new game! The super mom game. You can have any five super powers, what would they be? The catch is you’re a mom, so the superpowers have to be super average things you wish you could do.
Let’s play! I’ll go first.
one. Get a reply when I request something of my 5 going on 15 year old
5: barely recognizable sounds that might be words
Me: ‘Please speak up I can’t hear you in the back seat’
5: mumbles something that is much closer to sounding like English
Me: ‘Ok mom, I’ll speak up!’
Me: ‘Awesome bud, thanks!’
Anyone else feel me?
He’s five. I just want someone to acknowledge that they’ve heard my words. I’m not even asking you to demonstrate that you’re going to listen to my directions. I just want the satisfaction in knowing that I am not just speaking to speak. Which I guess I am if I want my 5yo to respond when I ask him to do something. I’ll just look at it as training for when my house is full of teenage boys.
two. More limbs (only when I needed them)
OK so this one breaks the rules a bit, as having more arms is not super average, it’s not even average. But I need them. I don’t want to be a weirdo walking around with four arms hanging out all the time. No thanks, I get enough stares and glares as a 6 foot tall, mom of three unruly children under 30.
I want Stitch arms. From Lilo and Stitch. His arms retract back into his body when he trying to ‘blend’. I just want to blend. But when shit hits the fan (which it will) I want to be locked a loaded. Pop those arms out and own that diaper change on a squirmy baby like a boss.
Did I mention they also need to have elasta girls elasticity? Yes, I want to be able to get the hot wheels car my 2yo threw on the floor in the back seat of the van that he is losing his shit over, just because having it back in his hands will keep him quiet the rest of the ride home. Right?
three. Struggle and stress-free bed time
I don’t know about you, but our nights are a wreck.
Currently the boys share a bedroom and my 5yo cries because he just wants to go to bed but he can’t because his 2yo brother is all jacked up on life, and is kicking him in the head. We’ve tried separating them, which works out well for my 5yo who (since cutting out his nap, because ‘his doctors said he doesn’t have to nap anymore’ *not true*) fall asleep the second he closes his eyes, but not so much for my 2 yo.
My 2yo gets some sort of second wind at 7 which blows him into passing out somewhere in the house around 9pm.
I just want to be able to read to them, give them kisses, tuck them in, turn the lights out and dance for joy as I shut the door behind me and no one exits the room until the morning.
four. Ability to cook a meal the kids will eat
I know seems simple right? I mean, let’s be honest, I can cook Annie’s Mac and Cheese, turkey dogs, frozen pizza, and chicken fries like nobody’s business. But for once I just wish I could cook a wonderful meal that the kids will eat.
I want to order one of those really cool boxed dinners, the ones that come with all the ingredients you need (cause the grocery store is just something no one has time for), and laminated recipe cards. We all gather around the box, and open it while a 9 string orchestra plays in the background, building the moment. The kid’s faces glow, as they present the biggest smiles ever looking at all the green veggies we are about to sauté. We joyfully spend time making the meal *together*, while woodland creatures set the table. Bambi pulls a chair out for me and we all sit down and enjoy the wonderful meal we prepared as a family.
Is that too damn much to ask for?
five. The ability to hide in, I mean use, the bathroom without a crowd outside the door
Without fail my husband can spend what seems like an eternity in the bathroom, alone, while I battle the miniature versions of him that we created, who all seem to have difficulty understanding the value of personal space.
And when I do make it into the bathroom without a shadow or someone wrapped around my leg, it’s usually just in time, before I join my 5 yo in the ‘not making it to the bathroom in time’ club. Then once, I’ve done my business, I just want to get out of there because the banging on the locked door, or playing right outside the door, is just not relaxing.
Maybe because I am the one sitting there with them while they learn to use the potty, they think they need to return the favor? Can I pass? I’d really like to pass.
What Five Super-Average-Super-Mom Powers do you wish you had?